1 january

What’s up, diary?

I’m writing in the brand new diary I got for Christmas. Do you know who I am, diary? After all, you might not be used to me yet. My name is 1215-247896-Jefferson and I come from the planet Exodis. I am 7,000 years old and I have a super-charged brain. No, I’m just kidding.

I’m Milton the Caveman and I was born 12 million years ago. No, I’m just kidding again. I guess I’m a pretty funny guy, eh? Maybe even a future comedian. Or maybe I’ll become a constructor when I grow up. I don’t really know if there is such a thing, but it sounds like a good profession:

“Hi, my name is Ned Floyd. I’m a constructor.”

Yesterday was New Year’s Eve and Mom and Dad had a New Year’s Eve party. Mom and Dad and their friends were all wearing party-hats and stuff. Ridiculous. Grown-ups are always acting like such little kids. And us kids are always supposed to be so grown-up. How come it’s like that? Did God make a mistake somewhere? If so, then Dad’s a perfect example.

Like last night. The main topic of conversation was, of course, New Year’s resolutions. During dinner Dad promised to help out more with the dishes. Mom smiled. During dessert, Dad promised to buy us a new dishwasher. Mom laughed. Just before midnight, Dad promised to buy a new dishwasher, a new washing machine, and build a sauna, a swimming pool and a new house to put them in. “Fantasy hour is over,” Mom said and hid Dad’s champagne glass.

I woke Dad up at six o’clock this morning to ask him when we were going to go look at blueprints for the new house. He refused to answer.

Now I’m going to write a little with my red pen. Because now I’m going to write about Nadia. Nadia is my main-squeeze. Well, that’s what it’s called! You get to call your girlfriend your main-squeeze if you’ve been together for more than two weeks. And Nadia and I have been. We’ve been together for 6 months, 3 weeks, 5 days, 4 hours, 8 minutes and 6 - 7 - 8 - 9 - 10 seconds.

Everything about Nadia is good. Except for three things. Nadia’s disgusting and deathly dangerous brothers.

Bye, bye,

 new diary pie!