7 January

What’s up, diary?

Tonight is going to be a wild and crazy night. A bunch of us are going over to Arnold’s house. He just got back from Acapulco. Everybody in our band is going. Our band is called the Hot Martian Hunters. Last year we were called the Raving Lunatics. But we couldn’t get any gigs. This year we’re pushing for an international carrier. I’m the one who writes our lyrics. Our best song goes like this:

Take a flashlight, baby, don’t go to a bull-fight,

take the night, take the night, baby.

I’m not a stop light.

I think it’s going to be a hit.

There are five guys in the Hot Martian Hunters: me, Arnold, Theobald, Little-Eric and Jasper. But those aren’t our names when we’re in the band. I’m Buck Walker, Arnold is The Perfect Eagle, Theobald is Master Theo, Jasper calls himself One-eyed Jake, and Little-Eric is Fritz Klicker.

First, we were going to call our party a welcome-home party for Arnold. But Jasper thinks he found a place on the Internet where he can order a wife. Now he’s trying to save up his allowance. So we’re going to call our party a bachelor’s party instead. All of us are excited about the bachelor’s party. The problem is, none of us knows what people do at a bachelor party. Whatever it is, it involves booze and women, and then usually you don’t get married after all. At least, that’s the way it is on tv.

Still, there’s a problem with the party. Her name is Doris. Arnold’s little sister. She thinks she’s invited. She’s not. Arnold asked us if we could all bring some mouse traps with us. He wanted to load them with M+M’s and bubble-gum and leave them outside of Doris’s door to keep her away. But none of us had any mouse traps. Jasper offered to bring a pair of real hand-cuffs and said we could lock her in the attic. Arnold thought for a minute. Then he said no.

I can’t write any more right now, I have to go look for my turtle-neck sweater to wear to the party. It’s a good thing it’s not a giraffe-neck sweater. Because then I wouldn’t be able to breathe.

No time to wait,

 don’t want to be late!