2 January

What’s up, diary?

The second whole day of the new year is almost over, and not a single thing has happened. Everything is just like it was before.

I still have a zit on my chin. And I still have two parents with eye-brows, bad breath and a too-small apartment. I still have the prettiest girlfriend in the whole world, Nadia Nelson, who still has the most awfulest brothers in the whole world, Mick, Meck and Moreland. Or maybe it’s Dracula, Godzilla and Frankenstein’s Monster - I get them confused.

And finally, I still have the most terrible, ugliest name in the entire universe. My name is Ned. Amen.

I wish my name were something normal. Like Milton, for example. Sometimes I turn into Milton the Caveman. When I do, I can’t talk or write. All I can say is, “uuuuGGGH.” But I have no control over when I turn into him. By coincidence, it usually happens right before it’s time to do homework or when Mom and Dad want to force me to go shopping with them.

One time before Christmas, Mr. and Mrs. Floyd took Milton the Caveman with them to buy some gray, checkered socks for their psycho son. The salesperson asked Milton what size he wanted. The caveman thought for a minute, then he answered, “UUUUUGGGH!!!”

I got extra-extra-extra large. Milton the Caveman is primitive. He only thinks about grilled chicken.

The other day, Nadia kissed me on the neck. I got a really cool hickey. I’m going to try to take a picture of it. In fact, Nadia and I made out 47 times last month. One time I got so nervous that I farted. Nadia said she was thinking about breaking up with me. I had to bribe her with an extra good kiss.

Uh-oh, the phone is ringing. I better go answer...